wow

So, I posted a message on a message board which I haven't done forever. It was about TTC a second baby and it asked other mom's if they have thought about putting a deadline on TTC to keep their kids close in age. I've had 2 comment and one of them has been trying for 23 cycles and another one has been trying for 3 years. I can not imagine doing either of those. I really feel like I need to have some kind of stopping point to save my sanity. I would probably try forever for a first child. I really don't think that I can do that for a second one. That's way too much heartache to endure when you already have one child. I think that for me, it'll be best to give up at some point a shift my thinking to having an only child instead of two.

And now it's cycle 10

So, 3 negative pregnancy tests later I have started my period and started cycle 10. I'm going to buy a new basal body thermometer and start temping again. This is to prepare for the very real possibility that I will have to have fertility appointments once I reach that one year mark. It is probably for the best that I have not gotten pregnant this cycle. I've been taking several medications the past couple of weeks to help with poison ivy. I haven't gotten upset the past couple of cycles. I've started to accept it as fact and move on. It seems that every week I find out a new person is pregnant. I try very hard to not be a bitter bitch. This whole journey of
TTC a second child has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. It has also made me feel lonely and isolated. Jay has been supportive but I know that he doesn't get upset when my period comes and that he is totally fine with Emma being an only child. He doesn't understand my need to have a second one. I think that he feels like Emma isn't enough for me which isn't true. She's my dream come true and I would be lost without her. I just know that if she's the only one then I won't be able to stop myself from falling into all of the traps of parents with only children. She'll be very spoiled and she'll have all of my focus and attention. While this is preferred when they're younger, this is not good as they get older. Children need space, privacy, and secrets. They don't need the pressure that will be on her if she's the only one. I know that we can't afford adoption unless we were able to do it without an agency. I am open to this option but I'm not sure if Jay is. I've thought about foster children but there's no guarantee about what age we would get and a troubled teenager is not what Emma needs for a sibling. I don't know at what point we'll stop TTC. I've thought about not trying after the end of this year. I'm just not sure if there would be a point to Emma having a sibling if they would be 4 or more years apart. I want them to be companions, not just two only children. I don't know what we're going to end up doing. I just really hope that it happens naturally before I hit the year mark.