The nausea has started

Well, I haven't actually thrown up yet but I've started feeling weird when I'm hungry, while I'm eating, and right after I'm done eating. Hopefully it will stay at this queasy stage but probably not. The nice thing is that I'm home so I'm able to lay down after I eat most of the time.

not a secret anymore!!

Well, Emma let the cat out of the bag last night at Dad's house. She hugged and kissed the baby and said so loud enough for Dad to hear. He then questioned it and I wasn't able to just straight lie to him. So now Dad, Sandy, MawMaw, and PawPaw know. Greg and Luke weren't there when it happened. Stephen was there but he's in denial and wouldn't let me tell him. My Mom is coming here this weekend for my birthday and I'm sure Emma will do the same thing and tell her. It's sweet though. She's been hugging and kissing the baby a lot. Last night she also tickled the baby for the first time which was cute. I think she's going to be a great big sister. I'm feeling great. I didn't have any symptoms yesterday besides peeing all day. I know that it's still early though.

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a year, and losts of emo blog posts. I'm very excited to say that I am pregnant. Of course, I've already told the only person who actually reads this so I'm not sure who I'm announcing this to. Jay doesn't want to tell anybody else until I go to the doctor. I don't know how I'm going to keep it in. It will be especially hard in the coming weeks because I'll be seeing friends and family at 3 different birthday parties. I'm very, very happy though.

Growing up too fast!!

I had a near meltdown at Toys R Us today. Jay and I decided that we were going to buy Emma a trike for her birthday. I got an email yesterday from Toys R Us saying that they had their Radio Flyer trikes on sale for 25% off. The girl one was soooo cute with a pink seat and a basket in front with holes that you could put a stuffed animal in. It is only on sale today and tomorrow so Emma and I went today with Luke so I could secretly buy it and sneak it into the van. I took her to the bike section and had her get on the trike so that I could make sure that she could ride it. She got on and I realized that she was too big. We then tried a small bike with training wheels and that one fit great. I became so upset that she was too big and had missed the trike stage. I started crying and Luke said that it was okay. If Luke hadn't been there I probably would have started sobbing uncontrollably but I felt like I had to get it together since he was there. I did get the bike which was Disney Princess and was also on sale today which was nice. I know that she will love it and I can't wait to give it to her in 2 months.

wow

So, I posted a message on a message board which I haven't done forever. It was about TTC a second baby and it asked other mom's if they have thought about putting a deadline on TTC to keep their kids close in age. I've had 2 comment and one of them has been trying for 23 cycles and another one has been trying for 3 years. I can not imagine doing either of those. I really feel like I need to have some kind of stopping point to save my sanity. I would probably try forever for a first child. I really don't think that I can do that for a second one. That's way too much heartache to endure when you already have one child. I think that for me, it'll be best to give up at some point a shift my thinking to having an only child instead of two.

And now it's cycle 10

So, 3 negative pregnancy tests later I have started my period and started cycle 10. I'm going to buy a new basal body thermometer and start temping again. This is to prepare for the very real possibility that I will have to have fertility appointments once I reach that one year mark. It is probably for the best that I have not gotten pregnant this cycle. I've been taking several medications the past couple of weeks to help with poison ivy. I haven't gotten upset the past couple of cycles. I've started to accept it as fact and move on. It seems that every week I find out a new person is pregnant. I try very hard to not be a bitter bitch. This whole journey of
TTC a second child has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. It has also made me feel lonely and isolated. Jay has been supportive but I know that he doesn't get upset when my period comes and that he is totally fine with Emma being an only child. He doesn't understand my need to have a second one. I think that he feels like Emma isn't enough for me which isn't true. She's my dream come true and I would be lost without her. I just know that if she's the only one then I won't be able to stop myself from falling into all of the traps of parents with only children. She'll be very spoiled and she'll have all of my focus and attention. While this is preferred when they're younger, this is not good as they get older. Children need space, privacy, and secrets. They don't need the pressure that will be on her if she's the only one. I know that we can't afford adoption unless we were able to do it without an agency. I am open to this option but I'm not sure if Jay is. I've thought about foster children but there's no guarantee about what age we would get and a troubled teenager is not what Emma needs for a sibling. I don't know at what point we'll stop TTC. I've thought about not trying after the end of this year. I'm just not sure if there would be a point to Emma having a sibling if they would be 4 or more years apart. I want them to be companions, not just two only children. I don't know what we're going to end up doing. I just really hope that it happens naturally before I hit the year mark.

6th month failing

It's not a guarantee but a very strong likelihood. I've been put on steroids to drain my ear and it's not something that they give women in the 1st trimester so if I did happen to conceive last week the drugs would probably end the pregnancy. This sucks soooooo much. I was feeling pretty good about our chances. I didn't chart this month and have felt much more relaxed and I thought that we had decent timing without knowing exactly. This coming from nowhere is crazy. I'm so tired of trying. It's gotten to where baby commercials make me cry. I can't watch a tv show or movie where somebody has a baby. I'm cohosting a baby shower this weekend and then going to another one the following weekend. Both of them got pregnant before I started trying and I'm very happy for them. I really hope that I don't get emotional at the parties or afterwards. I don't want another baby shower for the 2nd baby so hopefully that will help but I know that seeing all of the baby clothes will be hard.