Growing up too fast!!

I had a near meltdown at Toys R Us today. Jay and I decided that we were going to buy Emma a trike for her birthday. I got an email yesterday from Toys R Us saying that they had their Radio Flyer trikes on sale for 25% off. The girl one was soooo cute with a pink seat and a basket in front with holes that you could put a stuffed animal in. It is only on sale today and tomorrow so Emma and I went today with Luke so I could secretly buy it and sneak it into the van. I took her to the bike section and had her get on the trike so that I could make sure that she could ride it. She got on and I realized that she was too big. We then tried a small bike with training wheels and that one fit great. I became so upset that she was too big and had missed the trike stage. I started crying and Luke said that it was okay. If Luke hadn't been there I probably would have started sobbing uncontrollably but I felt like I had to get it together since he was there. I did get the bike which was Disney Princess and was also on sale today which was nice. I know that she will love it and I can't wait to give it to her in 2 months.

wow

So, I posted a message on a message board which I haven't done forever. It was about TTC a second baby and it asked other mom's if they have thought about putting a deadline on TTC to keep their kids close in age. I've had 2 comment and one of them has been trying for 23 cycles and another one has been trying for 3 years. I can not imagine doing either of those. I really feel like I need to have some kind of stopping point to save my sanity. I would probably try forever for a first child. I really don't think that I can do that for a second one. That's way too much heartache to endure when you already have one child. I think that for me, it'll be best to give up at some point a shift my thinking to having an only child instead of two.

And now it's cycle 10

So, 3 negative pregnancy tests later I have started my period and started cycle 10. I'm going to buy a new basal body thermometer and start temping again. This is to prepare for the very real possibility that I will have to have fertility appointments once I reach that one year mark. It is probably for the best that I have not gotten pregnant this cycle. I've been taking several medications the past couple of weeks to help with poison ivy. I haven't gotten upset the past couple of cycles. I've started to accept it as fact and move on. It seems that every week I find out a new person is pregnant. I try very hard to not be a bitter bitch. This whole journey of
TTC a second child has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. It has also made me feel lonely and isolated. Jay has been supportive but I know that he doesn't get upset when my period comes and that he is totally fine with Emma being an only child. He doesn't understand my need to have a second one. I think that he feels like Emma isn't enough for me which isn't true. She's my dream come true and I would be lost without her. I just know that if she's the only one then I won't be able to stop myself from falling into all of the traps of parents with only children. She'll be very spoiled and she'll have all of my focus and attention. While this is preferred when they're younger, this is not good as they get older. Children need space, privacy, and secrets. They don't need the pressure that will be on her if she's the only one. I know that we can't afford adoption unless we were able to do it without an agency. I am open to this option but I'm not sure if Jay is. I've thought about foster children but there's no guarantee about what age we would get and a troubled teenager is not what Emma needs for a sibling. I don't know at what point we'll stop TTC. I've thought about not trying after the end of this year. I'm just not sure if there would be a point to Emma having a sibling if they would be 4 or more years apart. I want them to be companions, not just two only children. I don't know what we're going to end up doing. I just really hope that it happens naturally before I hit the year mark.

6th month failing

It's not a guarantee but a very strong likelihood. I've been put on steroids to drain my ear and it's not something that they give women in the 1st trimester so if I did happen to conceive last week the drugs would probably end the pregnancy. This sucks soooooo much. I was feeling pretty good about our chances. I didn't chart this month and have felt much more relaxed and I thought that we had decent timing without knowing exactly. This coming from nowhere is crazy. I'm so tired of trying. It's gotten to where baby commercials make me cry. I can't watch a tv show or movie where somebody has a baby. I'm cohosting a baby shower this weekend and then going to another one the following weekend. Both of them got pregnant before I started trying and I'm very happy for them. I really hope that I don't get emotional at the parties or afterwards. I don't want another baby shower for the 2nd baby so hopefully that will help but I know that seeing all of the baby clothes will be hard.

I have fallen in love...

with ovulation predictors. They are helping me be much less stressed than I would normally be. I would usually be forcing me and Jay to have sex at least once a day right now even if we weren't in the mood. Since I am getting negative tests I can relax and not put pressure on. That'll be different once I get the positive but it'll be for a shorter time frame.

3 cycles = 3 failures

I'm started my period. Having a period is sooooo much worse when you want to be pregnant. It also sucks because I made the epic mistake of telling a couple of women that I work with that I'm trying and one of them asked me today if I was pregnant yet. It's like salt on the wound. I blame getting sick this past month. So now I'm on to investing more money into this and ordering some cheap internet ovulation predictor kits. We're also going to change the sex position that we've been in when Jay finishes. I realize that might be TMI. Oh well. Maybe this will be the cyle and I"ll find out on Christmas day. That'll be pretty cool.

CD 18 and no ovulation

I'm so irritated with my body right now. I started having a lot of cervical mucus a few days ago and had a temperature dip which indicates that I'm about to ovulate. Jay and I had sex for several days and my temps. went up and I thought that I ovulated. I started eating pineapple core to help with implantation. Well, I was wrong. My temp. had a big drop which means I did not ovulate. So now I'm worried that I ovulated in the last couple of days when Jay and I did not have sex. We're going to start again today and we're just going to have to keep going until Fertility Friend confirms ovulation. I have to stop eating the pineapple because it will make my vagina acidic. Jay said that we should have sex like teenagers. We'll do it several times a day and I'll be scared of getting pregnant and then I'll get pregnant like so many teenage girls do. It's funny but unfortunately that's not how it works. I'm also pissed that my cycle is going to be longer than usual now because I'm ovulating late.